What am I fighting for?

As a 34 years of single man, what is happiness? Is there meaning in the persuit of happiness?

For years I've been told, I'm not good enough, I've never done enough, I'am too hesitant, I'm too angry, too timid, too foolish, too immature, my criteria in life is too high, it's never enough. Ironically, when I think about it, these has been people's label of me.

For 6 years on dating app but never got anyone I felt genuine. 7 years straight of rejections in person since 2019, 14 years I have not once dated in my life. 2 years of Christian dating event and people I'm paired with are just bad. 

For 27 years I'm always at the short end of the stick at school, church and social circles. In school I was bullied, betrayed, used and abused. In church my own leaders abandoned me, my own people took me for granted. Home was never a place of peace. It was fights and stress. For years I battled depression, suicidal thoughts, self harm. My only escape, was serving God.

For as long as I remember, my father was always abscent, my mother was always angry and unreasonable, my parents finally divorced after being seperated for a decade, I have not talk to my father for 3 years. Why does my friends have a normal home compared to me? Parents they can look up to? Financial stability which they don't have to worry about? They could go places I can't go, they could do things they don't have to worry about. I grew up angry, not wanting to be home, hated for ever existing. I had to battle to live, battle to take care of my family. I'm called matured but inside, I think I've been dead.

When it's the persuit of relationships, I have always been surrounded in non-Christian groups almost all my life. With the little Christian cirles I have, single Christian girls are already hard to come by. They are either dating or always not interested.

I asked God, 'am I still not good enough? Am I still a 'work in progress', am I still short of a standard. Why am I alone. Why are my friends gone, why am I still single? Why is my family in shambles. Why people who bullied me get success, those who are supposedly less deserving have happy life's or can experience God's goodness?

At work I never got the support I asks for. I get bosses who were old school, stubborn, refuse to listen to the people on the ground, overly ambitious, lack structure, empty promises, disorganized. I've work hard, poured my time and effort, not taking leaves or MC when I'm sick. Yet once a new hire comes in, onces someone takes over my roles, once I dropped the ball once or twice, I'm treated like the worse worker in the office when the rest of the workers were worse than me everyday. I have CEO twisting my words to protect themselves, I have Managers calling out my work performances when they don't know why the job takes so long or due to their own lack of preperations I have to fix their problems.

With friends, I'm always walking on eggshells yet I get stepped on.

In love I try the long game, short game, fast to know, slow friendship, be nice, not so nice, dress better, put effort. I read up about relationships, I went counselling, I tried self improvement, I made goals, I work hard. I honestly don't know what else to do. I went for Christian dating event but I always still get the short ends.

Recently, a friend ask, do I like someone or do I like the idea of being with someone. When I fall in love, it's because of the quality I find in a person. I told God the only thing I ever ask in this life is a family of my own. Wife, kids house and to provide well for them. Looking at it. Who am I now as a person, my experience. I do doubt myself. Not because of this current rejection or any. But because I can never measure up to others. Sometimes, it is the classical, I like them but they don't like me. You are the kind of person we want in a partner. But not someone we would date. Every time that is what I'm told. It is exhausting and tiring to fall in love and get rejected again and again.

By now I'm already very alone. My friends are all gone overseas. For the most part my church cirles are gone or have their own cliques or families. So what's the conclusion of this disaapointing post? Don't be nice at work. Never give your all because people will always take it for granted. Don't fall in love with people you are close to in your own circle, your own church is never the right place to find a partner. When everything and everyone is againts you, sometimes, not caring about the world is the best choice. We just need to wait for our end because life for people like me is meaningless.

I'm not writing this cause I'm asking for pity, nor am I blaming those who rejected me. But I also know people who have experience the same thing as me. All I ask God if singleness is His plan for me. If yes, then tell me so I don't have to keep going thru this cycle again and again.