What am I fighting for?

As a 34 years of single man, what is happiness? Is there meaning in the persuit of happiness?

For years I've been told, I'm not good enough, I've never done enough, I'am too hesitant, I'm too angry, too timid, too foolish, too immature, my criteria in life is too high, it's never enough. Ironically, when I think about it, these has been people's label of me.

For 6 years on dating app but never got anyone I felt genuine. 7 years straight of rejections in person since 2019, 14 years I have not once dated in my life. 2 years of Christian dating event and people I'm paired with are just bad. 

For 27 years I'm always at the short end of the stick at school, church and social circles. In school I was bullied, betrayed, used and abused. In church my own leaders abandoned me, my own people took me for granted. Home was never a place of peace. It was fights and stress. For years I battled depression, suicidal thoughts, self harm. My only escape, was serving God.

For as long as I remember, my father was always abscent, my mother was always angry and unreasonable, my parents finally divorced after being seperated for a decade, I have not talk to my father for 3 years. Why does my friends have a normal home compared to me? Parents they can look up to? Financial stability which they don't have to worry about? They could go places I can't go, they could do things they don't have to worry about. I grew up angry, not wanting to be home, hated for ever existing. I had to battle to live, battle to take care of my family. I'm called matured but inside, I think I've been dead.

When it's the persuit of relationships, I have always been surrounded in non-Christian groups almost all my life. With the little Christian cirles I have, single Christian girls are already hard to come by. They are either dating or always not interested.

I asked God, 'am I still not good enough? Am I still a 'work in progress', am I still short of a standard. Why am I alone. Why are my friends gone, why am I still single? Why is my family in shambles. Why people who bullied me get success, those who are supposedly less deserving have happy life's or can experience God's goodness?

At work I never got the support I asks for. I get bosses who were old school, stubborn, refuse to listen to the people on the ground, overly ambitious, lack structure, empty promises, disorganized. I've work hard, poured my time and effort, not taking leaves or MC when I'm sick. Yet once a new hire comes in, onces someone takes over my roles, once I dropped the ball once or twice, I'm treated like the worse worker in the office when the rest of the workers were worse than me everyday. I have CEO twisting my words to protect themselves, I have Managers calling out my work performances when they don't know why the job takes so long or due to their own lack of preperations I have to fix their problems.

With friends, I'm always walking on eggshells yet I get stepped on.

In love I try the long game, short game, fast to know, slow friendship, be nice, not so nice, dress better, put effort. I read up about relationships, I went counselling, I tried self improvement, I made goals, I work hard. I honestly don't know what else to do. I went for Christian dating event but I always still get the short ends.

Recently, a friend ask, do I like someone or do I like the idea of being with someone. When I fall in love, it's because of the quality I find in a person. I told God the only thing I ever ask in this life is a family of my own. Wife, kids house and to provide well for them. Looking at it. Who am I now as a person, my experience. I do doubt myself. Not because of this current rejection or any. But because I can never measure up to others. Sometimes, it is the classical, I like them but they don't like me. You are the kind of person we want in a partner. But not someone we would date. Every time that is what I'm told. It is exhausting and tiring to fall in love and get rejected again and again.

By now I'm already very alone. My friends are all gone overseas. For the most part my church cirles are gone or have their own cliques or families. So what's the conclusion of this disaapointing post? Don't be nice at work. Never give your all because people will always take it for granted. Don't fall in love with people you are close to in your own circle, your own church is never the right place to find a partner. When everything and everyone is againts you, sometimes, not caring about the world is the best choice. We just need to wait for our end because life for people like me is meaningless.

I'm not writing this cause I'm asking for pity, nor am I blaming those who rejected me. But I also know people who have experience the same thing as me. All I ask God if singleness is His plan for me. If yes, then tell me so I don't have to keep going thru this cycle again and again.

My Late Grandfather

 It's been about 11 months since the passing of my late grandfather, Lim Teng Hoon @ Lim Peng Hoon.

History.

Gramps always tells his story of how he came to Malaysia. My great-grandfather came to Malaysia first during the occupation of China by the Imperial Japanese Army. Later, my great-grandmother sends my grandpa over to Malaysia before heading over herself. He would travel down south thru Cambodia and Thailand before making his way to Muar, Johor.

Here,  he worked hard and made a name for himself as one of the best photographers in Muar. Most people from both his and my mother's generations would know of him very well. He would always photograph schools, weddings, and events. He would even enter the Salon competition, traveling overseas just for the event. Apparently, once he even got a camera sign from Queen Elizabeth herself. Sadly it was stolen when his shop was broken into.

Many people see him as a healthy old man who manages to live to 100 years old on the Chinese calendar. The only sad thing is we could not celebrate it with a big feast as he lay in the hospital bed.

Many things to say about him, the good, the bad, and the funny things.

I used to always love visiting him. Muar is just rich in culture and food. His house was very big, it was cool, like a time capsule from the previous era so I was sad he sold it off when he decided to move to KL permanently to stay with his children. Despite the language barrier, I guess big hugs and the long story was his one way to show his affection.

My only regret was that I could not speak either Mandarin or Hainanese and he would always tell people that I can't speak it. I was annoyed and humiliated at first but in the end, I just learn to accept it and just enjoy those weird awkward moments. Believe me, I tried to learn Mandarin and failed miserably after half a year.

Gramps was also a strict and stern person when it comes to certain stuff. A typical stubborn old Chinese man who always thinks his methods are correct. I remember as a child, he came over to help renovate my home. When he was stuck trying to figure out what to do, I gave a suggestion and both he and my dad told me to go away as I was too young and do not know anything. Funny enough, at the end they did what I suggested.

He was also a gullible Mongolian doctor. Meaning, he always self-medicates and sometimes eats really weird stuff until he gets a good scolding from his own children. To improve his gut, he believed that he should drink loads of Yakult and Vitagen, the original flavour. Once he ran out and I suggested he drank the apple flavour. He said those are only for children. Haha. Many times he would not eat food, meds or drinks if the packaging changed which made us keep all of the old packaging so that it would be easier to manage his expectations.

I could continue about the headache he gives me like how he favour certain people, how despite being a Christian he still follows traditions which are bad like my name is not in the family tree or tombstone, he would always flood the house whenever he cleans the fishtank despite having a shaking hand, he would still how because he is older means he is right or he loves to complain about things which do not fit his ways even though he is staying with me. However, all in all, I still love him despite his shortcoming.

He would always say that he was content with life, achieving many things, making a name for himself in Muar as a photographer, witnessing most of his grandchildren's university graduations, that he get to see his great-grandchildren too, living up till 100. That he was always ready to go back to the Lord and meet Grandma again.

Even when he got into his 90's, he would still refuse to use a walking stick, he would refuse to use the stairlifts because he don't want to be thought of as old, nor would he take a break and continue to do gardening which could really injure him. I guess, his stubbornness is a good thing too because he would never give up no matter what until he feels fulfilled.

One thing I will remember him for is his story of seeking the Kingdom of God first. When he became a Christian, he gave up Sunday, a good day for a photographer to do business. So that he could go to church and honour God. He always felt that by putting God first, God blessed him with the ability to send all his children to study overseas and also blessed him to live this long.

May God bless his soul as he finally rests peacefully in the arms of the Lord.

Banyak Susah Untuk Cinta

When I was young, compared to my other friends, I was more of a romantic person. Always dreaming for the day I could have a girlfriend. Like I was always desperate for love. Always wanting to find and understand, to feel what love is. Not a family love, not a friend love, but a romantic love. Well, things happen and school life comes and goes. 

2010, college was when I wanted to explore and be rebellious. There weren't many Christian girls hence I just tried my 'luck' but again, no dice. There was one potential girl but I made a mistake and that too never happened. 

When I started to work in 2016, life became quieter. No more peers, no meeting new people, and this continued on till 2019 when I thought I had met a nice girl but that too was fruitless.

Over the course of the MCO due to Covid 19, I tried going online dating to find a potential partner. However, over the course of 1 1/2 years, I gave up. People online did not seem genuine. Now here I am pondering why am I still single.

It came to me that God most likely protected me. Now. I'm not saying all the girls I meet are bad. It's just that the majority were non-Christians which definitely goes against God's law to be equally yoke. Furthermore, some left the faith, some were never faithful and some are only Christian by name.

With that being said, as I grew older, I realized that loving someone is not just about lovey-dovey and romance. It is more than that. A Christian relationship is a covenant between man and God. It is a serious matter. It is with a great purpose and plan made by God. Having a partner of an equal yoke will allow the family, the love, and the future prospect of the family to have a firm foundation in Christ.

1 Corinthians 13

New King James Version

The Greatest Gift

1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 

2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.

4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 

5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 

6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;

7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. 

9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part. 

10 But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.

11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 

12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

We all know this great verse. It's always been quoted by both believers and non-believers alike that this is the ultimate form of love especially for couples.

Looking at verses 4 - 8, we can see it in another way by replacing the word love with your own name. Am I, Jeffrey, patient? Am I kind?

The question to ask myself as a Christian is, am I filled with the Holy Spirit? Am I emulating God's love? I know I cannot be perfect, but am I even trying? That is the biggest question. I know my flaws and I acknowledge them. Every day, every week, every month, every year, I struggle and try my hardest to always be right in the eyes of the Lord cause I love him, and I want to be his faithful servant.

At the end of the day, I do want to have a partner in this lifetime. I do want to start a family. I want somebody to love and to be loved by somebody. However, I also understand I'm not a great person. Heck, I would give girls reasons not to date me.

I'm not rich, I'm not handsome or macho, I'm not smart, I'm not an entrepreneur or a CEO, I don't have a property nor do I drive fast cars and I grew up in a broken family.

The only thing  I can promise is, faithfulness in God, faithfulness in a partner, family is my top priority, and that I'm genuine when it comes to caring for people I care about.

I'm already 31 years old, so let's see where God leads me, who He puts in my life, and who I will meet. One thing is for sure, as much I would like a romantic life, I'm looking but I'm not desperate, nor am I rushing.