Shattering the mask

Its been almost 2 weeks since my last post but hey, surprisingly I achieved and learned a lot. Well, time for a 'maybe~~~~"' long post :P I know blogs are usually used as a public diary and people mostly post happy stuff but I think, posting a testimony and the changes one esperience is also beneficial to others. So here is another dark secrect I manage to overcome.

Last Tuesday, I went out for my first ever morning walk/ jog after I don't know how many years!!! After reaching home, instead of resting, I continued exercising and practiced whatever I remembered from my old Karate days (having a terrible muscle ache since then T.T) and I'm so slow and stiff. Yikes. Time to train again. ^___^

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On the same day, I had the 1st youth committee meeting for 2014. For the morning, we planned on the future of the committee, who will stay as the main committee, who will be the sub committee, the committee posts and so on. I really had to crank my head and it was really so exhausting. It was so long that after lunch, my brain sort of shut down and I was no longer concentrating for the next session of the meeting... oops... >__<

I know that after the 2013 camp and from my new year resolution I said I wanted to change. But throughout the next session of the meeting, I started to feel depressed. I realized how alone I was. It was different from how I always felt from before. At the meeting table, with people next to me, in front of me, I still felt so distance. How many people have I meet in this short 21+ years of my life? How many do I know well?

I stayed back in church after the meeting and just talk to God in prayer and this song came to my mind. 'Who am I' by Casting Crowns. 

Every lyrics touched me It made me ponder. Who am I behind this mask that God will care, love and save me?! 

I am a flower quickly fading,

Here today and gone tomorrow.

A wave tossed in the ocean.

A vapor in the wind.

Sounds depressing at first. Its true, when I'm gone, how many people will know I'm no longer here? How many people will remember me after that? Soon like many people, I will be forgotten. But the song changed for the better.

Still You hear me when I'm calling.

Lord, You catch me when I'm falling.

And You've told me who I am.

I am Yours, I am Yours.

I'm a sinner, a loner, a person who cries out from the cold empty darkness of my very own heart. But God hears me. He tells me I'm His child. Someone whom He cares and love. Someone who will wrap His arms around me and comfort me.

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I decided its time to talk to someone, to trust and learn to change. It was time for, 'counselling'. Truth be told, counselling never did help me. Since my early days in school until form 3, I had counselling from 4 different people. It was never the counsellors that helped, but it was always God. Everytime I fall of the path he set for me, he pulled me back in, clean my wounds and walked with me. I still fell but at the end I just sit there and wept. If I sit alone eveything will be better. I was wrong.

By devianttasrtist shadyness: http://shadyness.deviantart.com/art/ghost-mask-broken-332548098

So this time the person I found was someone closer to me and God. From my own youth and for the first time in all my counselling days, I was truthful with sharing my pain and this is some of the stuff I learned.

• Jeffrey, stop frowning, be happy. A simple smile can change everything about you.
• Have you ever notice, does anyone comes to you after service for a chat?
• Stop blending into the wall and hiding at your little corner.
• Lighten up. Open yourself to everyone , you are restricting yourself in everything be it talking or doing somthing.
• Don't be alone, don't walk alone in everything. We are here for you.
• Join a group more. If you cant't talk now, listen first and slowly build confidence in talking.
• Learn to be out in the world, you want topic, read more, see more, watch more.
• You are never alone in this world. Trust us and remember, God love you.
• Most importantly, walk close with God. 

The list is actually longer but I think you get the point. The counselling was like an emotional 2 hour of pouring out what I never want people to know. I felt very much better. A heavy burden was lifted. I felt lighter and cheerful all of a sudden.

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When I went to college (counselling was during my 3 hour college break), I think my friends felt that how in a span of 3 hour, Jeffrey from super quiet and depressed became so happy. I even meet one of my favourite lecturer, Ms Pauline. We had a small talk and she commented. You look very different and happier compared to the last time we meet (I think that was a month ago >_<).

Amazingly is how after 10+ years of negative attitude can just a simple 2 hour talk change my mindset. I now can see things differently. I want to make a different!!! To add a bonus, at night I did this personality test for my youth leadership class and in a way, it actually does reveal some part of me. It actually motivates me now to do the things I'm good at and to improve all the bad qualities I have.

So now I have an add-on to my new year resolution.

1. I will always give a cheerful smile when I meet anyone. To laugh and be happy, looking at things possitively and attentively to people.
2. If I can help someone (provided I have the time, money and capabilities), just do it. I don't expect anything in return.
3. I already got to know my own college & childhood friends so its time to get to know my own youth friends.
4. I will no longer sit alone in class or after church service. I will talk to people (especially my youth friends).
5. To walk closely and trust God in everything I go through in life.

Another long post =___= sorry to whoever that read this (does anyone still visit blogs? >_<). I promise next post is going to be a cheerful one =D

Till next time, see you and God bless~~~

Pure Randomness

I'm just pure bored right now. At home alone, waiting for my next class, finished reading my book, no assignment, nothing to see online, ok so I thought of just posting something very random like a little kid from primary school XD

So, college have been rather dull... Assignments are rolling in slowly so there is nothing to panic, yet. I hope this year I can do everything on time for once in my life. Honestly, I'm tired of last minute works and not sleeping for 2 days!!! Surprisingly that one of the subject, 'Photo Media' is almost the same as my Photography class from Diploma. Boring but what for I complain? At least it is something I can do well... Time to act high and mighty now... HAHAHAHA XD

Well, this week started of with a shock of the new class schedule!!! I have 4 days of 8am to 6pm classes. Ergh... This is the time I will start missing my Form 5 life :'( Though I may have only 2 to 4 subjects a day but staying out is so tiring and boring at times cause unlike my friends, I don't have to follow them for Bahasa Kebangsaan classes so that usually leaves me alone just to wait for them... =___=

On a good note, last night was awesome. Went out around 10pm to have mamak food with my old childhood friends and we ate, talk, ate, talk all the way till 1.30am!!! Even after mamak, right infront of my house, we continued talking until 3.30am and I slept at 4am so that I can get ready for my 8am class. If I can wakeup in time that is... >___<

Ok, pure randomness over.. time for a nap XD

New Year~~~

Ok, I've been bored lately and instead of playing games everyday I think its best to practice on my writing skills (in this case, typing) since my English is deteriorating... T.T

So its already 4 days into 2014. The weather changed from cold and wet to hot, hot and HOT!!! The bright sun, massive heat waves and stong dry new year wind sort of got me wondering is the desert this hot too? I bet its hotter but oh well.

College started in December 30th with good news that I ace all of my Semester 1 subjects with a CGPA of 3.944 out of 4.0!!! I think this is the first time in my life I did so well for my studies but to maintain a CGPA this high is going to be a lot of work and not to mention my friends are all trying to kill me out of jealousy!!! LOL (sorry guys... Istill love you).

Never in my life would I expect something like this :')

Both primary and secondary schools have reopen 2d ays ago. So the restaurants, cafes and shopping malls are peaceful and empty. No more long lines and crowded stores :P and also now I have the house all to myself in the morning. PEACE!!!

What we guys usual do during class and break period

Curi bring laptop to class XD

Other than that, New Year seems pretty boring as usual.

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Ok, so enough of my rambling grandfather, grandmother, uncle, aunty story. The main thing I would like to share here is my New Year 'Testimony/ review' and 'Resolution'.

Every 31st December, my church will have the watchnight service around 10pm and end just at New Year, 00.00am. Well, I was prompted to share about my experience in 2013 just 5 mins before midnight and now that I think about it, I would like to elaborate more about it.

5 MINS BEFORE MIDNIGHT XD

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I'm born into a standard family, living a Christian lifestyle and throughout my 21 year living on this earth, a lot of crap pilled up in my life. To cut it short, this have caused me to have depression, a very bad temper, a lot of hate, to easily judge people, to isolate myself (surprising yes?), not able to speak in Chinese (I'm a banana so sue me =__=) and most of all, not to trust God to the point I only remember Him during Christian functions only.

Therefore, I'm the typical procrastinating guy who would always talk about serving and committing everything to God and  ends up disappearing and playing around, coming and going as I please, ignoring God and finding pleasure through addictions. I pray and asked forgiveness yet I never made the effort to repent or change my life.

Whenever my college friends calls me our my overdue assignments is close to the deadline, I would always dissappear from the church. To me, serving God, the church, was no longer my top priority. So to stay close to the church, I stayed in the youth and camp committee. Still all this did not stop me from forgetting God and I guess God didn't see that. He wanted me to change and remember HIM!!!

This year, the President post was a rotation system whereby every committee member (except Wei Ling cause she is our new committee member) will be a President for 2 months (Samson was 1 month) and well, I for one didn't do a good job at all. This was the review made about me.

• President is always absent.
• Commitment issues
• Assignments to complete
• Procrastination

To add oil to the fire, me and my best friend from college got into a cold war for some childish reason. Out of depression I got myself drunk. Hoewever, I think in a way God made me open my eyes through this experience. I was putting my friends first in my life, ignoring my own family and especially God. Through this I learned 3 things.

• God is 1st in your life
• Family is 2nd important
• Don't get drunk, it just makes people worried and gives you a major headache.

Well, even for CG, God was there prompting me. I hated to attend CG cause it is boring, I can stay at home or go out to do fun stuff but when Jen yoong started giving weekly sms to prompt people to attend CG, sursprisingly, that made me go for it after ignoring CG for so long and I have not missed a CG unless I have very good reasons like sick, out station, family stuff or really unreasonable assignments.

Still, from all of the things in 2013, planning and attending the youth camp was what really changed me. That was where God really open my eyes. During the planning of the camp, a lot of problems arose till the point we almost cancelled the camp. We had bad response and progress was super slow and due to some complications, I became the Camp Commandent and now that I think about it, I was given the leadership post again despite failing as President in the youth. At first I rejected the idea and wanted to give it to someone else but there was no suitable person and seeing that I have the 'experience' I took the job. So surprisingly, I did the job a Camp Commandent is requiered to do. Maybe it was God telling me something cause this actually made me though of doing something for the youth in 2014 (which shall be a secret until then ;P).

Through the sharing sessions, I realize that God had really done so much for me and surprisingly, since 2005, the camp themes are all almost the same unlike other youth which was always asking us to go back to God. I really have forgotten and shut God out of my heart. This struck me and after the camp, I realised that I must change.

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One hing I hate in life is New year resolutions. Not one have ever been fullfiled. I've even forgot my 2013 resolution. LOL!!!

So here is my 2014 New Year Resolution (public version) which I pray I will be able to keep.

1. I will do quiet time and try to get closer to God
2. For my health I will start exercising and eat my veggies (Not much hope for the greens though >__<)
3. I will try to control my temper and not judge people
4. NO MORE (less) procastinatinon!!!
5. NO MORE LAST MINUTE WORK!!!
6. It's time to mature, learn and humble myself
7. To stay away from addictions (it's not drugs or smoking ok so no worries)

Feels weird posting my resolution online when usually it is something private but oh well, at least whoever read this is now my witness right? :P Too bad for you... hahaha....