Its been almost 2 weeks since my last post but hey, surprisingly I achieved and learned a lot. Well, time for a 'maybe~~~~"' long post :P I know blogs are usually used as a public diary and people mostly post happy stuff but I think, posting a testimony and the changes one esperience is also beneficial to others. So here is another dark secrect I manage to overcome.
Last Tuesday, I went out for my first ever morning walk/ jog after I don't know how many years!!! After reaching home, instead of resting, I continued exercising and practiced whatever I remembered from my old Karate days (having a terrible muscle ache since then T.T) and I'm so slow and stiff. Yikes. Time to train again. ^___^
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On the same day, I had the 1st youth committee meeting for 2014. For the morning, we planned on the future of the committee, who will stay as the main committee, who will be the sub committee, the committee posts and so on. I really had to crank my head and it was really so exhausting. It was so long that after lunch, my brain sort of shut down and I was no longer concentrating for the next session of the meeting... oops... >__<
I know that after the 2013 camp and from my new year resolution I said I wanted to change. But throughout the next session of the meeting, I started to feel depressed. I realized how alone I was. It was different from how I always felt from before. At the meeting table, with people next to me, in front of me, I still felt so distance. How many people have I meet in this short 21+ years of my life? How many do I know well?
I stayed back in church after the meeting and just talk to God in prayer and this song came to my mind. 'Who am I' by Casting Crowns.
Every lyrics touched me It made me ponder. Who am I behind this mask that God will care, love and save me?!
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean.
A vapor in the wind.
Sounds depressing at first. Its true, when I'm gone, how many people will know I'm no longer here? How many people will remember me after that? Soon like many people, I will be forgotten. But the song changed for the better.
Still You hear me when I'm calling.
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling.
And You've told me who I am.
I am Yours, I am Yours.
I'm a sinner, a loner, a person who cries out from the cold empty darkness of my very own heart. But God hears me. He tells me I'm His child. Someone whom He cares and love. Someone who will wrap His arms around me and comfort me.
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I decided its time to talk to someone, to trust and learn to change. It was time for, 'counselling'. Truth be told, counselling never did help me. Since my early days in school until form 3, I had counselling from 4 different people. It was never the counsellors that helped, but it was always God. Everytime I fall of the path he set for me, he pulled me back in, clean my wounds and walked with me. I still fell but at the end I just sit there and wept. If I sit alone eveything will be better. I was wrong.
By devianttasrtist shadyness: http://shadyness.deviantart.com/art/ghost-mask-broken-332548098
So this time the person I found was someone closer to me and God. From my own youth and for the first time in all my counselling days, I was truthful with sharing my pain and this is some of the stuff I learned.
- Jeffrey, stop frowning, be happy. A simple smile can change everything about you.
- Have you ever notice, does anyone comes to you after service for a chat?
- Stop blending into the wall and hiding at your little corner.
- Lighten up. Open yourself to everyone , you are restricting yourself in everything be it talking or doing somthing.
- Don't be alone, don't walk alone in everything. We are here for you.
- Join a group more. If you cant't talk now, listen first and slowly build confidence in talking.
- Learn to be out in the world, you want topic, read more, see more, watch more.
- You are never alone in this world. Trust us and remember, God love you.
- Most importantly, walk close with God.
The list is actually longer but I think you get the point. The counselling was like an emotional 2 hour of pouring out what I never want people to know. I felt very much better. A heavy burden was lifted. I felt lighter and cheerful all of a sudden.
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When I went to college (counselling was during my 3 hour college break), I think my friends felt that how in a span of 3 hour, Jeffrey from super quiet and depressed became so happy. I even meet one of my favourite lecturer, Ms Pauline. We had a small talk and she commented. You look very different and happier compared to the last time we meet (I think that was a month ago >_<).
Amazingly is how after 10+ years of negative attitude can just a simple 2 hour talk change my mindset. I now can see things differently. I want to make a different!!! To add a bonus, at night I did this personality test for my youth leadership class and in a way, it actually does reveal some part of me. It actually motivates me now to do the things I'm good at and to improve all the bad qualities I have.
So now I have an add-on to my new year resolution.
- I will always give a cheerful smile when I meet anyone. To laugh and be happy, looking at things possitively and attentively to people.
- If I can help someone (provided I have the time, money and capabilities), just do it. I don't expect anything in return.
- I already got to know my own college & childhood friends so its time to get to know my own youth friends.
- I will no longer sit alone in class or after church service. I will talk to people (especially my youth friends).
- To walk closely and trust God in everything I go through in life.
Another long post =___= sorry to whoever that read this (does anyone still visit blogs? >_<). I promise next post is going to be a cheerful one =D
Till next time, see you and God bless~~~
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